(This cover story explores rising divorce rates in India, highlighting family conflicts, their impact on children, and the importance of mediation)
Conflicts are inevitable in human interaction, arising at
various levels of society. On a global scale, nations engage in disputes over
resources, ideologies, and territorial boundaries, often leading to wars and
strained diplomatic relations. Conflict of ideologies and personal ambitions
within political parties can disrupt governance and destabilise systems
designed to serve the public. Even on an individual level, disagreements occur
in various settings, affecting personal relationships, business partnerships,
and communities. These conflicts, regardless of scale, influence how people
interact, fostering division and mistrust.
A more intimate and personal realm lies at the heart of
these broader tensions: family conflicts, particularly between husbands and
wives. If unresolved, these disagreements often lead to separation or divorce,
with children bearing the brunt of the emotional fallout. This cover story
delves into the dynamics of such conflicts and the impact on familial
bonds and explores ways to mediate disputes in the interest of protecting the
well-being of children.
According to recent data, 13 out of every 1,000 Indian
marriages end in divorce, a significant increase compared to 10 years ago when
the rate was only 1 in 1,000. The divorce rate is much higher in developed
countries like the US, UK, Germany, France, and Australia, though India still
fares better due to various cultural factors. However, even in India,
particularly in states such as Maharashtra, West Bengal, Delhi, Karnataka, and
Tamil Nadu, the number of divorce cases has steadily increased over the past
decade.
For instance, even in a traditionally conservative city
like Chennai, family courts have risen from three to ten over the last ten
years. This trend is alarming. PreSense spoke to advocates, counsellors, and children
from separated families, and in many cases, 'ego' is identified as a major
factor leading to separation.
Key Reasons for Conflict in Marriages
“Ten years ago, couples with around 5 to 7 years of
marriage typically approached family courts for divorce. Now, we see couples
filing for divorce after only one or two years of marriage,” says V.
Kannadasan, Hon’ble Member of the State
Human Rights Commission, Tamil Nadu and former President of the Family
Courts Advocates Association, Chennai.
In April 2024, a Supreme Court bench comprising Justices
Surya Kant and P.S. Narasimha observed, “We are amazed to see what kinds of
marriages are taking place today. They marry in 2021, by 2022 or 2023 they are
filing cases against each other, and by 2024, we have transfer petitions before
us.”
A.S. Fathima Muzaffer, a Lawyer and a Senior family
Counsellor, notes that this trend is most prevalent among the urban, educated
middle and upper-middle classes, cutting across regions and castes.
"Economic independence of women, infertility, infidelity, and
incompatibility are major reasons why couples prefer divorce. Domestic violence
and drug or alcohol addiction are also significant factors. In some cases,
parents or extended family members exert undue pressure, worsening the
situation," adds Fathima.
Changing Social Dynamics
Generally, couples in the 25 to 35 age group are more prone
to conflicts, with women filing for divorce more often than men. Fathima
explains the generational shift in expectations between husbands and wives.
In the first generation of grandparents, grandmothers were
less educated and fully dedicated to managing the household. In the second
generation, men, having seen their mothers devote themselves entirely to
domestic responsibilities, expected their wives to do the same. However,
second-generation women, being more educated, often took up jobs, balancing
both career and family life. Husbands in this generation were still largely
uninvolved in domestic duties.
In the third generation, men, having seen their mothers
juggle both roles, now expect their wives to do the same. But today’s women,
better educated and more career-focused, expect their husbands to share
household responsibilities. This mismatch in expectations often leads to
conflict. "Parents should educate their sons about modern gender dynamics
before marriage to ensure smoother relationships," suggests a young
married woman in her 30s from Mumbai.
The Impact on Children
Kannadasan highlights the trauma experienced by children
who are brought to court during their parents' divorce proceedings. “The
judicial system follows the law, not emotions. Unfortunately, in their ego
battles, parents often overlook the emotional trauma their children endure,” he
explains. “Indian laws do not adequately address the needs of children from
separated families. We need more effective legislation to safeguard their
well-being,” adds Kannadasan. Fathima agrees and confirms that there are no proper
guidelines for advocates when the children are examined in the courts.
Fathima notes that a recent American study reveals that
many juvenile offenders in the US come from families of separated parents.
“Parents often forget the trauma they inflict on their children when they go to
court for divorce. Their focus tends to be on themselves,” she adds.
One woman, who was separated from her father at the age of
13 due to her parents' divorce, recalls the emotional void she felt during her
teenage years. “Thankfully, a family friend mentored me, offering the emotional
support I missed from my biological father. Every day, I would call him at 8
p.m. to share my day's routine. He listened patiently, advised, and encouraged
me. A biological father is very important for a child during their formative
years,” she says with tears rolling down her cheeks.
Case Study: Resolving Conflict in a Public
Sector Bank
A public sector bank in a major metropolitan city, with
more than 40 officers spread across three adjoining buildings and four floors,
experienced a series of conflicts and strained relationships between the
management and employees. This tension affected customer service, leading to
complaints. Despite the issue persisting for over a year, no action was taken
to understand and resolve the problem.
The author of this article, who was the President of the
Officers' Association in that region, was invited by the management to mediate.
A meeting was convened with all officers, including the branch head,
immediately after office hours. Each participant was given a blank piece of
paper and asked to write down their top three grievances anonymously. Two
members of the audience then tabulated the responses during the meeting itself.
Surprisingly, almost all participants highlighted two
common grievances: the lack of drinking water and the absence of attendants to
move documents between buildings during office hours. These were relatively
minor issues that could be resolved quickly. With the branch head present, the
grievances were addressed on the spot, and from the next day onwards, the
branch functioned smoothly.
This exemplifies how a seemingly insignificant issue can
escalate into a major conflict if left unaddressed.
In conflicts, whether within organisations or between individuals, a core issue often underpins the disagreements. Identifying this core issue is key to resolving the conflict effectively.
Conflict Resolution in Families
Often, family conflicts arise from a lack of communication
and ego clashes. Infidelity and infertility are becoming increasingly common
sources of grievance. Medical experts point out that lifestyle changes and junk
food consumption have contributed to rising infertility rates. Even two Chief
Ministers have expressed concern over the low birth rate this week.
Medical experts suggest that couples undergo thorough
medical check-ups before marriage to avoid future conflicts related to health
issues.
The Path Forward
Divorce doesn’t just tear apart two lives; it fractures
entire families, leaving scars that often take a lifetime to heal.
Children caught in the crossfire lose the sense of security and love that
every child deserves. We must reflect on our parents, partners, and community
members' roles in fostering understanding and empathy as a society.
Conflict is inevitable, but resolution requires humility, compromise, and
communication. Let us remember that love, patience, and forgiveness can rebuild
what ego and pride tear apart. For the sake of our children and future
generations, we must learn to heal, not harm.
Always remember: It's better to lose an
argument and strengthen the relationship than to win and weaken it
(This is the cover story published in October 2024 edition of PreSense)
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